So the other night me mum and jess were looking through mums diary of THE year 1993 (for people who don't know me the year daddy died).
It was my fault I really love to know stuff just out of curiosity really because aged 2 I don't have any of my own memories and if it wasn't for pictures (and the resemblance in Dan) I wouldn't even know what he looked like! Sometimes that does upset me but I listen to others people's stories and it builds a picture for me.
Any-who back to the matter at hand, I haven't done a full blog on daddy yet but I'm gonna start with my mama!
Looking though this diary I can honestly say I literally do not know how she did it. First of all I can't imagine losing your best friend and soulmate, that feeling of your world being torn apart and not knowing what's happening. The diary mentioned "not being with him" and hoping he wasn't in pain, even writing this I'm getting upset let alone having to feel that!
THEN realising you have to carry on and look after three young children on your own from now on! I mean how do you cope with your own grief and have to tell a 4yr old daddy's in heaven and later trying to explain that to a 2year old whilst looking after a 4month Old baby thinking you will have to tell him in a couple of years.
Wake up the next morning (not that you got any sleep) and realise its not a horrible nightmare and that ache in your heart and sick to your stomach feeling isn't going anywhere!
Even though we were all crying at this point (and had to keep passing the diary round) we kept reading and it was so hard to watch mum hear it all over again.
Obviously mummy had support form amazing people and thank god for those people but at the end of the day you can only cry yourself to sleep, rethinking you whole life plan without your man and father to your children.
So I say this to you Mummy,
You really are my hero, everything you go through and you come out stronger. I still look to you as a little girl - you are my super mummy and you can do and fix anything and any situation. You have been my mummy, my daddy, my provider, my friend and my super mum and you will be all these things and more for the rest of my life!
I am proud to call you all of those things and will be very happy if I can raise Lola like you have raised us (cos we are alright I think :) ) and I know for definite that daddy watched you help us grow and is so happy that you were his wife and the mother of his children and you chose him to be your prince!
I love you with every part of me mama! <3
Xxxx